The Only Time I Thought In Billy Corrigan’s Voice

Fuck dude. Things are all awry and I have no idea what is going on. Which is fairly accurate, which means I can’t be all lost. Great loophole hunting Me. I have recently been apart of a break-up which is fairly okay but man, does that suck. I figured out the worst part I think. The most foul piece of a dead relationship is the part when I have an especially swell thought and I can’t tell her. During a break-up, if you try to make it okay, you just made it worse. When in the throes of a hardcore forking of paths, you have to inact properly. Once a break-up is issued down by the higher-ups there exists between the two former lovers a vortex that transforms any positive effort into heinous calamities that were perpetrated on purpose. A skillful silent reply can obliterate you with your own assumptions. 

It’s weird. I know she isn’t deliriously pleased with her life but I imagine her getting fucked by stars and bathing in cash like she realized I was the obstacle keeping her from being a music video girl. I want what I imagine she has without me. Which is an insightful thought but I can’t tell her because me trying to help out with our break-up is so overlapped and freaky that it just evokes pain. Well fuck, man. There is no right way. 

Tommy James and the Shondells help a lot. The Beatles make me want to tear my ears off and sob until I’m a puddle of effete emotions. It’s not their fault, but jesus. Love songs hurt so much more than break-up songs. I see why ex’s antagonize each other now, I think. Fighting is still contact, at least you can experience some of their passion when they scream at you. And anger is a sign of caring so there’s that. The other is, it’s so much easier to fight and make an enemy out of her than it is to accept fault and make the changes she showed me I should. The whole mess is convoluted, man.

I’m kind of excited for the new adventure but I miss the familiarity of waking up and texting someone I know who cares about me the loveliest thing I can think of, besides her. But the terms of the break-up would signify that the amount of caring we thought existed for each other would be better described as infatuation and familiarity. So really, that’s not as deep as I thought it was at the time. OH BUT THE EXPLORATION! The joy of kareening through our minds and hearts is fucking gone and that blows. I could be more upset about not having a backboard to bounce myself off of and be choosing the relationship ethos to cover up the cynical truth, but hey, what is anyone else doing? 

She didn’t teach me what Love is, but I know more about what it isn’t and that’s more important. 

Thanks. 

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