The Bandy

I took a walk one afternoon. It was a fairly average stroll through a park until wonder and mystery came to me like the realization that it is, in fact, Friday and not Thursday. That is to say, I was like: “Bitchin.'” Wonder and mystery came to me in the form of a wonderful pine grove full of mysterious forest critters. As I entered their home, the protector, a most hardened Squirrel decorated by ceremonial nuts and leaves from its many deadly campaigns, challenged my trustworthiness with a bandy.

“Ooop, hello Squirrel.”


I eyed the squirrel suspiciously. I had always assumed the rodents knew the human tongues but guarded their knowledge of our ways.

“What can I do for you Squirrel?”

“YOUR POLITE DEMEANOR WILL BE YOUR DOWNFALL! Now you are obligated to my wishes, for you have offered yourself unto me, Human.”

“I suppose I have. What is it then?”

“Oh happy day, I have a human in my favor and a world to conquer. My will be done.”

“How do you know about the Bible?”

“Hush, naked monkey.”

“Extrapolate your desire, poofy-tailed mouse.”

“POOFY-TAILED MOUSE?! You insolent, bipedal freak. I’ll kill you.”

“Whatever, bucktoothed Chip N’ Dale reject.”

“MY TALENT WAS A MILLION TIMES GREATER THAN THOSE IMBECILES! My wish is for you to kill yourself, now, Human.”

“Oh, well in that case, no.”

“But…you are obligated to me. You did this yourself…”

“We also claim to love all living beings while we ride in big yellow machines that tear the creature’s homes apart so we can have a party around the burning corpse of them while we poison ourselves for the sake of a decent evening. That’s just a few hours. One does not get to the top of the food chain by telling the truth, Squirrel.”

“One day, you and your…people…. will be crushed beneath my buckteeth, Human. One day.”


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